It's National Suicide Prevention Week. My lovely friend, Kelly, is writing a continuing series on her blog about living with chronic illness and suicide. Please visit her blog to read the stories of people who are living every day with chronic illnesses and the thought that it might be better just to get away from everything: Fly With Hope. I hope you'll read her words and the messages that she is conveying from others who feel the same - that we want to live, but the burden is sometimes just too great to keep a handle on. As always, if you feel that you need to speak with someone in the case that you are feeling suicidal, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
As for my part, I feel free to inform everyone that I am going to seek counseling again. I am not necessarily looking for anti-depressant help, but there are many problems in my life right now that I think I need to work out with someone who is objective. I have been in that seat before - it is nothing new to me - however I dread looking for and starting over with someone new.
This has been a particularly rough week for me. Thanks to my migraine diary, I can see that the vast majority of my migraines are now hormonally-triggered. While the Botox is helping me, I am still suffering for most of these days. I thought I was fatigued before! The downside to Botox is that my migraines now have a distinct beginning and end, prodrome and postdrome, so I am experiencing fatigue the likes of which I don't think I have encountered before. I just want to sleep for days. But I have to work, so I plod on in, do my job, and get out.
I cannot take birth control. I have a PFO which has been closed twice, and I have migraines with aura. So I am a stroke risk, even though I take blood-thinning therapies. Otherwise, I'd be more than happy to take the pill all year round if I were allowed to do so. I also cannot have a hysterectomy - that was directly contraindicated for the control of hormonal migraines during Dr. Brandes' speech at the National Headache Foundations' June conference in Chicago, much to my chagrin. My only hope is that this second round of Botox will clean things up for me even more. But I'm going to go mad here pretty soon if it doesn't. However, my next Botox appointment is for September 27th, and I know that will be upon me before I know it.
I just wish I could rid myself of the fatigue. Then I could cope just a little bit better. I am not doing so well myself - the depression is so overwhelming even I am having a difficult time writing or finding joy right now.
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